


I Will Not Say Good-bye

by supernutjapan



Category: Lucifer (TV)
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, F/M, Guilt, Happy Ending, Hell, Love
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-07-08
Updated: 2019-07-08
Packaged: 2020-06-24 11:01:46
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 4
Words: 6,529
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19722349
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/supernutjapan/pseuds/supernutjapan
Summary: Chloe deals with her guilt.





	1. Prologue

**Author's Note:**

> This is spoilery of all seasons of _Lucifer_ the TV Show up to the end of Season 4. If you haven't seen to the end, come back later!
> 
> Naturally, I do not own any rights for the show, the characters or the script. I wrote this all for fun and for my satisfaction.
> 
> My undying gratitude to the lovely [jld71](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Jld71/pseuds/Jld71) for the beta.
> 
> Thank you all for kudos/comments❤️

Chloe’s heart clenched up into a small ball and the voice in her head shouted in denial as she watched Lucifer flap his beautiful white angel wings high up into the twilight sky, then dive downward, spiralling, his wings protectively wrapped around him as his speed increased and he turned into a white blur. The air swallowed him up whole, somewhere above the rooftops that Chloe had been sure he would crash into. She felt like she might be having a heart attack. But she knew she wasn’t. It was the pain of what she had lost. The regret for what she could now never have, the emptiness, the hole that was left after the one she loved, no, the one she now knew she desperately needed in her life, was just gone.

She was still standing there when she heard the elevator open.

“Where is Lucifer?” She heard Maze’s weary voice and the sound of her bag of knives clanking onto the marble floor.

“He’s gone.” Her own voice was full-on nasal, her face wet from when she had begged him not to go. With the words came the full realization of what had happened. Her legs crumbled beneath her and she let out a sob as she hit the floor. 

“What do you mean, he’s GONE?” Maze ended her question with a shriek as she seemed to figure out the answer herself. 

“Don’t tell me he went back to Hell without me. Don’t you DARE.” Maze was in front of her then, shaking her shoulders and looking at her menacingly. Chloe felt herself pushed backward as Maze released her and stomped off.

“Selfish to the very end, the bastard.”

“No, Maze. He went back to keep the demons contained. To keep us safe.”

“To keep YOU safe, Chloe, not me. I’m a DEMON." Maze seethed as she turned her back and crossed her arms angrily. "All those times I begged him to take me back, and now he’s left for good, hasn’t he?” 

“Yes,” Chloe forced through her tears.

“It’s all your fault.” She turned around with fire in her eyes. “This is the third time he’s gone to Hell for you. Screw him.” 

Chloe shook her head helplessly. “I’m so sorry Maze. I begged him not to. I’m sorry.” She covered her face with her hands.

Maze stormed to the elevator, and Chloe was alone again.

She crawled to Lucifer’s bed - the one she had slept in as she waited for him to come back from Las Vegas and had pretended to still be asleep as she listened to his confession before he gave her her birthday present. She crawled under the black covers and cried herself to sleep, dreaming of his lips on hers, his hand on her cheek and his sad eyes as he said goodbye. It was a restless sleep and Chloe realized by early morning that the place was too painful to stay in, knowing that Lucifer would not be coming back. It was an empty lifeless shell without him.

She splashed cold water on her face, tied back her hair so tightly her eyes felt like slits, and somehow maintained an upright position to brave a trip back to her own apartment where Trixie would be coming back from her night with Dan. But that was as far as she got. She crawled into bed and slept all day and all night. The next day, Trixie came home. Chloe did what she had to do. She made breakfast and got Trixie on the bus. Then she went back to bed. After school, she made grilled cheese sandwiches for dinner at Trixie’s request and barely made it through as she remembered the time Lucifer had stood there at the counter, hungrily snatched the first sandwich, and then made her cry by telling her that her father would be proud of her...and the time he had made them for her and cut himself on the wine glass that she had almost poisoned to send him back to Hell... 

She called in Olga to watch Trixie and went to bed, mumbling about the flu. Trixie came in to give her a hug before trudging to bed, obviously worried for her. Chloe knew she was neglecting Trixie but she couldn’t move. She heard her talking to someone and thought it was Olga.

Next thing she knew, there was a knock on her door, and Amenadiel was there.

“Amenadiel? What are you doing here?” Chloe sat up and tried to comb back her bed hair into a semblance of tidy, feeling the tightness of her puffy eyelids and knowing she looked hideous.

“I heard from Maze that Lucifer went back to Hell so I phoned to see how you were doing. Trixie told me you were sick and asked me to come over.” Amenadiel sat next to her on the bed and put his hand on hers. “I’m so sorry.”

“Yeah, well, the King of Hell is going to have to go back sometime or other. I knew it, but I thought it would be because he was consumed by his monstrous side. I was wrong." 

She looked into his eyes. "He had beautiful white wings, Amenadiel." She fidgeted and swiped a lock of hair behind her ear as she sniffed the suddenly runny nose and looked up at the ceiling to keep the tears from falling. 

Amenediel bowed his head. “It seems like ages ago that I tried so desperately to make him go back to Hell, thinking it was our Father's Will. That was until I found out that Father had planned your birth specially, by making me bless your mother.”

“What…?”Chloe looked at him, one eyebrow raised in disbelief. 

“It could only seem like he had planned for you to meet Lucifer all along. Imagine how angry and hurt Lucifer was to think that he was being manipulated by Father,” Amenadiel shook his head and grimaced.

“When was this?” she whispered, staring.

“Right around the time that you were poisoned and he went to Hell to get the antidote,” he said turning his bowed face toward her. 

“So that stuff about Hell wasn’t a metaphor? He actually went to Hell?” 

“He killed himself in the hospital there with you so he could go back to Hell to find the scientist and get the antidote from him. He got stuck there I heard, in his own personal Hell, and had to be pulled out by Mom.”

“He DIED?!” 

“Yes, well, he didn’t have his wings at the time. Cut them off and then burned them to sever his ties with Hell once and for all. So death was the only way he could go back.”

Chloe had a vision of Lucifer grabbing her arm to stop her from touching the scars on his back, looking so very vulnerable, and then remembered the time he asked her to put an APB out for angel wings and told her later that he was over them; that they were relics of the past. She leaned back and lowered her head on to her pillows.

“Is that why he went away to Vegas and came home with Candy?” 

“Yes. He felt that Dad and Mom were manipulating you both and didn’t want to take away your choice in the matter.”

”I didn’t know what to think of him disappearing like that without a word. Maze said he went to Hell twice before, for me. Was that the first time?”

“He died once before that on a case with you. And he made a deal with Father to do whatever Father wanted if he would save your life. Father accepted and brought him back to deal with … Mother.”

“That must be when Malcolm shot him… he really did die… Mother? You mean Charlotte?” 

“Yes, well, our mother in Charlotte’s body. Chloe, I don’t know if all this makes you feel any better, but know that Lucifer went back to Hell for your sake. He loves you.”

Chloe shook her head bewildered. “We finally found each other, Amenadiel. After all the searching and the struggle, I finally realized that I needed him in my life and then I lost him.” 

“I’m so sorry, Chloe.” Amenadiel leaned in to give Chloe a hug, then got up. “Hey, Linda would love to have you visit her. It might help to talk with her about it, Chloe.”

“Thank you, Amenadiel.”

The next morning Chloe got out of bed bright and early and went to work. She buried herself in work, Dan and Ella by her side. They didn’t know why Lucifer had left on the sudden. Chloe, in true Lucifer fashion, told them the truth, that he had gone back to Hell, and of course they thought she was talking in metaphors. It reminded her of all those times she had been upset with Lucifer because she didn’t believe him, or didn’t want to, and it made her heart ache. When she couldn’t take it anymore, she stopped by Linda’s to just be with someone who knew. Linda kept telling her that it wasn’t her fault, but the more she thought about it the more she felt guilty - not just for the sacrifices Lucifer had made for her sake, but the hurtful things she had said to him, because the more she thought about him, the more she remembered, all those times she hadn’t listened to him. The times she had tried to ignore what he was - even though she had known it deep down. And how she had treated him after she saw his Devil face, running from him after all those times she had told him she wouldn’t and then trying to poison him and send him back to Hell. 

Every case she took, she was reminded of Lucifer. Every time she stepped in front of a knife or gun she remembered how he had always protected her. She started using his trademark question, "What is your deepest, darkest desire?" knowing she didn’t have his special ability, and yet it took people by surprise more than not, and often their answers would lead her to a solution. She never felt interested in pursuing anyone else romantically. Trixie grew into a young woman and was going into her senior year on that fateful day Chloe was shot by a trigger happy criminal and woke up in a never ending nightmare loop in which she had no control, watching herself go through the same painful scenes over and over again, unable to change anything.


	2. Nightmares

She opens her eyes to blinding pain in her shoulder and Lucifer leaning over her prone body as numerous bullets riddle his back, telling her that he’s not going to let her die. Dad’s just going to have to wait for her. She watches as he tells her to wait just a moment, walks over to Jimmy who is emptying his barrel into him to no effect, picks him up by his collar and smashes his head into the mirror. As he threatens Jimmy with much more than just death, she sees his reflection turn into the hideous red face of what could only be the Devil. 

She wakes up in the hospital and he is there, watching her with the most endearing expression. “Thank you,” she tells him warmly, “I couldn’t have made it without you.” There is something about him that she is drawn to. Not his Jedi superpowers or any carnal fascination but something else. But the fact that he saved her life is soon buried under her obsession with finding a reason that bullets had no effect on him. 

*blink*

She’s gone to LUX to find the street preacher that had gone missing and Lucifer is there, bruised and wounded, glass everywhere from some kind of struggle, his liquor shelf completely destroyed. He tries to tell her how hard it is to be blamed for every single evil thing that has been done by humanity. He just wants to live his own life, accounting only for his own actions. He feels that she is being used to hurt him. Walking around the counter to assess the damage, she finds the preacher’s dead body with a bullet to the head and points her gun at her partner.

“Come on Detective, you can’t seriously believe that I killed that pathetic Malcolm Ten.”

“It doesn’t matter what I believe,” she says desperately.

“That’s all that matters, Detective,” he tells her simply. 

She sees the rookie cop handling his gun nervously. “Put your hands in the air and surrender yourself,” she begs her friend.

But instead of calmly doing as she says, Lucifer turns to lean on the bar stool and starts laughing lunatically, frightening her. “This isn’t funny, Lucifer.”

“Isn’t it? I think it’s the grandest joke that I’ve heard in all my time. The best part is, it’s on ME. I’m accepting my role in all of this. All of humanity’s sins are the Devil’s fault right? I thought you were different but I was wrong.”

She can hear the pain in his voice. She’s the only person he trusted, and he thinks she’s betrayed him. He goads the rookie by making it seem like he is bringing out a weapon, and the rookie shoots. She shouts out in shock and denial as she fears the worst, but Lucifer is gone in a whirlwind, papers fluttering in the blast of air. 

*blink*

She pulls into the airport warehouse where Malcom is holding Trixie hostage. Thankfully Malcolm lets Trixie come to her. She quickly tells her darling little monkey to hide really well, and then stands, hands up in surrender, knowing that this is most likely the end. She hopes that Trixie will get away somehow. She’s done all she can. Suddenly a paper airplane swoops in between them and she reflexively runs to hide as she hears Lucifer’s voice. She watches as Lucifer talks to Malcolm, wondering what Lucifer is up to, waiting for the moment that he will take the gun away or Malcom will lower the weapon ...or cower away from him and confess his guilt like she had seen so many others do. 

Malcolm lowers the gun an inch, then it goes off, and she looks on in horror as Lucifer doubles over, blood flowing from the wound in his gut. He falls onto his back and Malcom stands over him, telling him that his deepest darkest desire was for Lucifer to suffer death as he had. Malcolm then turns his attention to her again. She leads him away from where she had seen Trixie go, all the while conscious of Lucifer on the ground, blood flowing freely onto the floor. She hears him whisper something and suddenly she can hear it all as clear as a tuned radio.

“I don’t know if this is all part of the plan. Or if you can hear me. But if you’re up there... Dad… I need a favor. I’ll be the son you always wanted me to be. I’ll do as you ask, go where you want me to. In exchange, all I ask is that you protect Chloe.”

*blink*

She is still on the run from Malcolm and getting close again to where she had seen Lucifer die, but there is nothing there on the ground except the paper airplane and her gun. She takes a chance and runs across the open space to get the gun, and there is Lucifer standing like a mirage between her and Malcom. Somehow, Lucifer is not in a pool of his own blood, nor is there any sign of it, and she is not at all surprised. She points the gun at Malcolm and shoots. Three times, just to make sure. Lucifer walks toward Malcolm, their situations now reversed, says something, then crouches down. She stays back because she doesn’t want to hear what he is saying. She is afraid of what she might hear, or see, because deep down she knows the truth. She gives the excuse that she just wants to give him a moment and calls to Trixie to come out. It’s over. 

When Lucifer finally joins them, she focuses on the fact that he should have been dead. 

“I thought he killed you.” 

“Oh, he did. I got better,” he says with a smile.

And she leaves it at that because that’s crazy and Lucifer is just messing with her, or she must have heard him wrong, but deep down she knows that there had been blood, and now there wasn’t. He was dead, and now he wasn’t, but she can’t deal with that. She sees Lucifer watching her with love and relief and maybe a little fear and hears herself asking him if anything is the matter, but he answers that it’s Trixie’s bedtime and she doesn’t question him further. 

*blink*

She’s sitting in a mediator’ s office in an undercover operation with Lucifer, oh so hurt and angry that Lucifer would leave her and get married to an exotic dancer in Las Vegas and then have the gall to come back.

He turns to her. “This is going to be hard for you to understand but, I’ve been through Hell recently, both figuratively and literally to torment, my greatest fears realized.”

“Lucifer, I am the one that almost died” she tells him fiercely. She can't seem to really hear what he is trying to tell her, that a life threatening illness is just as painful or more in some ways for those who truly love them.

“Yes, I know. _That_ is what I am talking about,” he explains patiently.

“Wow...I _almost_ believe you care,” she exaggerates, still resentful of him leaving her without a word.

“Have you ever known me to lie?” he asks gently.

She looks down and contemplates before answering, “I don’t know.” Of course he hasn’t. But she is too hurt to believe him. 

By the next day, Candy has made her realize that Lucifer had really been through Hell, at least figuratively. But she couldn’t have guessed just how much he had gone through by literally going back to Hell for her, when she was so intent on denying his identity to begin with.

*blink*

She stands on a beach with Lucifer, watching the players of the murder investigation leave as the big ferris wheel lights up in the distance. They talk about how Charlotte will probably get away with murder given her lawfirm’s track record, and she hears herself suggest that probably Hector killed both victims anyway. She listens to herself, knowing that again she is avoiding the truth. The truth that Charlotte had admitted to the murder, and that Lucifer had somehow done something like he had before with Nick and Josh the paparazi (What did he say? Something about his brother slowing time?) to get Charlotte out of the way of Hector’s bullet. She hears Lucifer going along with the idea, surprised and possibly relieved that she wasn’t digging deeper.

“The only thing I still don’t understand is you seemed to have some inkling of this from the very beginning. Why didn’t you let me in on it?” 

“Well y…” 

“Cause at this point, you either trust me or you don’t.” 

She wonders what he would have said here if she had given him the chance. Something like, “You would not believe me anyway” ? Because he did tell her a lot of things, none of which she took seriously because, if she had, it would have popped her bubble.

“Detective, I trust you,” Lucifer says. 

“Well if you think that I wouldn’t forgive you for your mistakes or your flaws, if you think I don’t know who you really are by now, you’re wrong.”

Oh Chloe, you are such a liar, she thinks to herself. 

*blink*

Lucifer is looking over the glass railing of one of his many homes, chosen for torturing a blind man: the “Sinner Man,” who had gouged out his own eyes rather than be forced to tell the truth by the Devil. She doesn’t think deeply on this. He is of course crazy.

“Something very strange just happened here.” Lucifer looks troubled, but she is angry and doesn’t care. 

“Um… ah, thank you for saving my life might be appropriate.” She hears herself say as she walks over to stand next to him.

“I actually wasn’t the one in danger,” he tells her calmly. 

“I figured out that you were the one that grabbed the Sinner Man. Clearly, things went south.” She sounds triumphant, sticking him with the truth he is hiding from her. 

“No. Let me explain what happened,” Lucifer tries to get a word in and she’s having none of it. She’s too mad at him for ruining her reputation with Pierce - after all, she had told him to keep to her plan and he had promised. 

“What happened was you didn’t follow my lead, and as usual, you did whatever the hell you wanted,” she butts in, determined to give him a piece of her mind. 

“Detective, I understand my interest in getting our blind barbarian alone may have been a tad selfish, but it turns out, _I was the pawn!_ ” 

“I don’t have time for this.” She hears herself say shortly.

“It was the Sinner Man’s plan to be snatched by me all along. He wanted to die.” He’s agitated, willing her to listen, but of course she doesn’t. Helpless as her face contorts in anger and tells him that Pierce smoothed things over, that he doesn’t have to give any more excuses.

“I had your back on this, Lucifer, and for whatever reason, you felt the need to go behind mine.” She feels her heart shatter as she watches his eyes widen with hurt, then her body moves, walks away on him, leaving him looking after her with those eyes.

She remembers that this is the last time they talk about the Sinner Man until Dan brings it up again. When she tells him the next day that on no uncertain terms is she going to help him with his “investigation,” he tells her that he doesn’t need her help anymore. And yet she blames him for not telling her that Pierce was actually the Sinner Man.

*blink*

“Detective, I always tell you the truth.” Lucifer turns back to her in frustration as they go through an alley together to find the hitman's sister and offer protection. 

“No you tell me _your_ truth. And I know that all of these metaphors, they’re real for you. But I think humoring them has just encouraged you and that’s on me, but I’m done. No more metaphors, no more devil talk. I told you before, you may think that that’s what you are but I don’t see you that way.”

Of course she doesn't, she thinks. It is just another part of her denial, refusing to consider the truth despite evidence to the contrary because it is just too scary to contemplate. 

*blink*

She wakes in Lucifer’s arms on a helicopter pad of a highrise. His face looms worriedly above her.

“What happened?” she asks groggily.

“You’re safe. That’s all that matters.” 

“We need to find Pierce,” she tells him.

There is a whoosh of air and he’s disappeared, again, leaving her alone on the top of a highrise. Disoriented, she answers her ringing cell phone as she tries to get her bearings.

“Chloe, It’s a trap,” Dan warns on the other end.

“I know. I know. We had to find out the hard way. Pierce, he tried to kill us.” She walks around the helicopter pad as she talks, half-heartedly trying to find evidence of any way Lucifer could have disappeared without flying.

“What?! Are you okay?” Dan asks alarmed.

“Yeah. I am. I don’t know how, but I am. Or maybe I do know. Maybe I’ve been avoiding the biggest truth this whole ….” 

She hears gunshots and knows Lucifer is somewhere down there. “I have to go.”

When she gets back to the room they'd been ambushed in by Pierce/the Sinner Man and his men, she finds Lucifer crouching by Pierce's dead body. There are huge bloody feathers scattered everywhere, but they don’t register because she is focussed on the crouching figure in front of her. 

“Lucifer.” She calls to him and he turns, and she finally sees it. His Devil face. “Lucifer… It’s all true … It’s all true,” she says in horror while police stream in and take her away to be treated for her bullet wound. Yes, it is all true, she wishes she could tell herself. Those are his wings she sees scattered around the floor. White wings of an angel. The blood tells of how they had protected her and flown her to safety. That is the only logical explanation, but somehow she can’t see it. All she can see is the face.

*blink*

She watches herself pour over stories and paintings of the Devil In Rome, being taken in by Father Kinley’s stories, obsessed. Her brain is full of all the scary unexplained things - the shadow she sees in the mirror, the bullets that don’t hurt him. 

*blink*

Lucifer is at the piano again, trying to play with a hand where a bullet had ripped a hole just a couple of hours ago and failing miserably. Lucifer looks exactly that, miserable, as he gasps in pain, not only from the wound she suspects, but from her flinch earlier when he tried to touch her. He’d disappeared after stopping a car from leaving with their killer with his super strength as she had asked.

She doesn’t want to be there. In truth, she is still deeply frightened by his Devil face, but she has to act normal to make him think she is over it so she can do what she promised Father Kinley and send him back to Hell. She messed up and she has to make it right. 

She puts her hand over his bandaged one hesitantly and tells him softly, “What I saw… was my partner.” 

At least, she isn’t lying. 

*blink*

“So, you don’t bite off the heads of children?” She watches his eyes go wide as her words cut him and yet he somehow manages to make a joke out of it.

“No, of course not. I detest the little creatures and I’d certainly never put one in my mouth. Anyway, I’m glad you’re curious detective. I was wondering when we’d get around to this conversation. If you have anymore questions, I’m all ears,” he says bravely.

“Well, Pierce. You killed him. So what was he, like, number nine… million and do you keep track?” She watches her words pierce him as she can’t stop herself from saying them, yet again. When has he ever killed anyone else since she’s known him? Please just stop, she cries inside, but she knows she won't.

“How about Hell? What’s it like down there. All those people you tortured. Did you enjoy it?

Lucifer falls silent in a loss for words, then says softly, “It was a job, Detective. Something I was forced to do. Someone’s been reading Dante’s Inferno,” he jokes weakly. 

“Well, I admit I did a bit of research on my vacation, which is why I wanted to get your side of things. But it seems a bunch of this stuff I read was way off. Just some stereotype, right?”

*blink*

“If I pushed this into your chest, it would kill you?” she asks him, her voice shaking with emotion as she holds an ax to his chest, the same one he took for her to save her yet again.

“Yes.” He stands there without moving, watching her with complete trust and surrender. She could push the ax in and he wouldn’t blink. He would let her kill him.

“Because I’m close to you?” she asks him, her eyes wide.

“Yes,” he answers simply and she knows he tells her the truth.

“But you jumped in front of it anyway?”

“Yes. And I’d do it again, and again. Don’t you know that Detective?” And she knows. She does know. After all those times he did do just that.

She takes the ax away from his chest and finds to her horror that she has cut him during her terrade “Oh… oh… oh… I’m sorry. I’m sorry.” She wipes her finger over the bloody cut and it is then that finally she remembers, finally sees the real Lucifer, but the damage is already done. 

*blink*

“I’m terrified.” She bursts out, in tears. “You’re the actual Devil. Every story of good and bad throughout history, throughout time says that you are the actual embodiment of evil, and how am I, Chloe Decker, a nobody, supposed to deal with that? But then, I came back, and I saw you. I really saw you. And I remembered how you made me feel, and I realized, Lucifer, you’re not that guy.”

Why didn’t she realize this sooner? After all she had said to him about knowing him and not running from him. Not only does she hurt Lucifer by trying to send him back to Hell behind his back, she is the one that brought Father Kinley, who then brings the demons to Earth.

It’s all her fault.

*blink*

Chloe stands behind Lucifer in the quiet of his quarters at LUX, hoping they can finally focus on each other. The demons have been sent back to Hell, Charlie is back with his parents, and it seems like it’s all over, but of course it is all wishful thinking. 

He turns to her and says sadly, “Tonight we won, but we just plugged one hole in a very flimsy boat. Now the demons know I have no intention of returning, they will continue to defy me. It’s only a matter of time until they come back, who knows where next, or maybe they’ll just come back for Charlie, or maybe you. I need to keep them contained. They must have a King.” 

“No. No, no…” Chloe tells him desperately, “No see, this is what I meant Lucifer when I said… You can’t leave me. Listen I’m so sorry that, how I acted when I first saw your face. It was stupid, and and…Please don’t go. I ...I love you. I _love you_. Please don’t leave.”

Lucifer gazes at her in wonder. “You see, we were wrong about something else in the prophecy. My first love was never Eve. It was you, Chloe. It always has been.” He bends down to kiss her gently on the mouth and she can’t help but bring her hands up to cup his face, hoping to prolong it as much as she can. 

“Please don’t go,” she cries as he releases her.

“Goodbye,” he says, smiling sadly as his white angel wings unfurl and he takes off in a gentle blast of wind. 

As she watches him fly off, she hears the familiar voice behind her.

“Chloe.”

That is definitely not part of her nightmare loop. 

Chloe turns around and sees Lucifer standing there. The same Lucifer that she just saw fly down to Hell.


	3. The Rescue

She glances toward the veranda, and then back, her mouth open in surprise.

“What’s happening?” Chloe says through her tears.

“Why are you here, Chloe? Why are you in Hell? You are supposed to go to Heaven. You DESERVE to be in Heaven.” Lucifer walks toward her, agitated. You must get out of here, Chloe. You do not belong here, torturing yourself. You have done nothing to be guilty of.”

*blink* 

She wakes up in the hospital and he is there, watching her with the most endearing expression. “Thank you,” she tells him, “I couldn’t have made it without you.” As he turns and walks away after unceremoniously dumping Trixie on top of her, she sees the other Lucifer watching from the doorway.

“What is this, Chloe? Do you feel guilty for me saving your life? That was my choice, not yours.” 

“Yes, but I forgot, Lucifer. I forgot you saved me. All I took away from it was the face that I saw, and the fear that you may actually be what you said you were.” Tears are streaming down her face and onto the hospital pillow as she... 

*blink*

...points her gun at Lucifer.

“All of humanity’s sins are the Devil’s fault right? I thought you were different but I was wrong.”

“Oh, come on, Detective.” The second Lucifer says, standing by the elevator. “This was just the ending of a very bad day. First the Preacher, then my brother, and crazy coma boy framing me for the Preacher’s death. So, yes, it hurt, but you told me later that you believed in me and that was enough. I forgive you, Detective.” 

“I was your only friend, and I betrayed you, Lucifer. You may forgive me, but I cannot forgive myself,” Chloe answers. 

*blink*

Lucifer is standing over his own dead body, hands in his pant pockets. He shakes his head grimacing. “Embarrassing to see myself dead. Again, this was my choice Chloe. You are the one that taught me not to blame myself for the actions of others.” 

“But I forgot, Lucifer, when I saw your Devil face. I forgot you did this for me. If I had remembered... Deep down, I knew all along that you were what you said you were, Lucifer. THE WHOLE TIME. And yet I kept lying to myself because I didn’t know how to deal with it. Not only did I lie to myself, I also lied to you. I told you that I would always accept you for who you were, and then when I saw your face I RAN AWAY and CHOSE to believe Father Kinley, when all I had to do was search my soul for the truth. And all that mess with Father Kinley, with the demons… the fact that you had to go back to Hell, was all my fault.”

“No, it wasn’t ALL your fault.” Lucifer raises his voice in frustration. “You are taking the blame for the actions and choices of others, just as I did. It was Amenadiel that brought Malcolm back from Hell just to kill me. If he hadn’t, you would have never been put in the situation to doubt me. Me saving you from him was just setting things right. Amenadiel lost his wings over his guilt of that and suffered enough for it. And with Father Kinley, if Eve and Maze had not busted him out, if Eve had not killed him, none of that would have happened the way it did, even though he may have gotten the idea anyway. You have to forgive yourself for your shortcomings and stop blaming yourself for the choices of others. You are the one who taught me how, remember? The first step is to want to try. You have to try.”

Chloe looks up at him with her tear-stained face, sniffing. “What happens if I do?”

“Well, I’m not sure because it’s never happened in the history of Hell, but if you can get yourself out of this loop, I’m sure I can get Amenadiel to take you up to Heaven like he did with Charlotte.”

“But, then I’ll never see you again.”

“It’s for the best.” Lucifer takes her hands in his and smiles sadly. “Think of all the people you will see. Your father for one, Charlotte...You do want to see them?” 

Chloe nods and looks down. “Of course...” she shrugs, not quite convinced.

“OK, then,” Lucifer says brightly. “All you have to do is find the door.”


	4. Deepest Darkest Desire

＊blink＊  
She wakes up in the hospital and he is there, watching her with the most endearing expression. 

＊blink＊  
She wakes in Lucifer’s arms on a helicopter pad of a high-rise. 

＊blink＊  
Lucifer is standing in front of her, gazing into her eyes.

“Detective, Chloe, I am the Devil.”

“No, you’re not. Not to me,” she says, her heart hurting with her love for him and meaning every word. She knows now that he is not the inherently evil stereotype that is “the Devil.” He is the one who keeps evil in check and sacrifices himself for others. For her.

*blink*

“If I pushed this into your chest, it would kill you?” she asks him, her voice shaking with emotion as she holds the ax to his chest, the same one he took for her to save her yet again.

“Yes.” He stands there without moving, watching her with complete trust and surrender. She could push the ax in and he wouldn’t blink. He would let her kill him. 

“But you jumped in front of it anyway?”

“Yes. And I’d do it again, and again. Don’t you know that Detective?” And she does know, after all those times he did do just that, and she basks in the love he has for her.

She takes the ax away from his chest and finds to her horror that she has cut him during her terrade “Oh… oh… oh… I’m sorry. I’m sorry.” She wipes her finger over the bloody cut from the ax, enjoying the feel of her finger on his chiseled chest. 

“What are you doing, Chloe? Why aren’t you getting out of here?” the second Lucifer, the real Lucifer, says, standing by the doorway. 

She turns to him with a smile. “I realized something, Lucifer. All that denial while I was alive is finally coming to good use. I'm so good at it now, even if I do forgive myself for it all, I can still deny the fact and stay here.”

“Why, pray, do you want to stay and relive these awful moments?” he replies in astonishment. 

“Well, you see, these are the most angsty moments of my life, but also some of the best. Now that I know everything, I’m starting to love that pang everytime I see your beautiful face. What better way of spending eternity than reliving those moments in a continuous loop?” 

“What?!” Lucifer looks at her in wonder and disbelief. 

She walks over to stand in front of him. “Ask me the question, Lucifer.”

“Alright.” Lucifer answers, still puzzled. “Detective… Chloe, what is your deepest darkest desire?”

“I want to stay with you, Lucifer. Here. That is my most deepest darkest desire. There is just one thing that’s missing.” She takes a deep breath and looks him in the eye as she wraps her arms around his neck and smiles. “I had this awesome dream once that we were making love and… well, I know I told you once that I would never sleep with you until Hell froze over…”

Lucifer’s open mouth curves into a grin. “If I remember correctly, I answered that that could be arranged.”

He is still grinning as he scoops her up in his arms to carry her into the bedroom. “As you wish, my Lady,” he winks, and then kisses her - the deep, long, ravishing kiss of the Devil starving for his true and only love.

**Author's Note:**

> I find the show's canon that only those with a guilty conscious go to Hell to be a extremely interesting one. As Cain speculates before his death at the end of Season 3, it is possible, therefore, for a criminal to go to heaven IF they do not feel guilty of what they have done. On the other hand, a good person - the more saintly the more likely it is - could very well go to Hell just because they feel guilty of some very minor thing they have done. It comes to reason then, that Detective Chloe Decker, who is one of the most caring and selfless people on the show, would possibly feel even more guilt than Cain for what she may have done to hurt Lucifer. Thus, this fic was born.
> 
> I hope you enjoyed it, and truly sorry if you were disappointed.


End file.
